After changing my mind of what image to draw this month, I finally finished the main piece for this months content “Lonely”. I will be releasing this month’s subscription content on Deviant Art and Patreon within the next few days.
Struggling with Mental Health
A few weeks ago, I was feeling very lonely and isolated being at home with no access to a car while my husband is at work. I was really missing my close friends and family who would, if given the opportunity, to come visit, and help me if need be. I don’t have my own circle of friends that I feel comfortable enough with to just go round and see them. Even though in October, I will finally have access to a car, so I will have more opportunities to go out while my husband is working.
I know I have been struggling with raising a child without much support, and with the feeling of failing to adjust like I should have, completely broke me down. My anxiety really played a big part in not feeling good enough to be bringing up a child in Japan. I couldn’t really reach out to anyone to ask for help. Moving to the countryside, although it would be a great place to raise children, its made me feel so lonely.
I also felt bad for feeling this way. I know I should be grateful for everything I have and not focus on the negatives. It just got so overwhelming, that I kind of exploded a little.
Lonely – Story Time
At the beginning of the month, we were preparing to have family round. I had spent most of the day before they arrived cleaning and making sure everything looked nice for our visitors. The next morning, while I was getting ready, my husband was cleaning and moving things around. This is where my anxiety kicked in. I felt like everything I had did or was planning to do, while he was out for an hour so , was useless.
I was starting to get agitated and angry as he had moved things around and I couldn’t find things. He told me stop as he didn’t know why I was angry. So I went into the guest room to step away from everything and calm down. I came out of the room to put something in the bed room, only to find he had changed our LO’s clothes and was leaving with her. I got angry that he didn’t say anything to me. Once they were in the car, he messaged me saying they won’t be home that night.
My anxiety had fully kicked in and I went numb. I know he only did it to give me some space but I think that was going a little too far. I only needed a few minutes. So after all that hard work cleaning and making our house look presentable, was a waste. As he never came home that day, we didn’t have family round.
My Thoughts and Reflections
I admit that I did take the day to reflect on what I did and I know that I kind of did overreact to things. But I felt like the way my husband dealt with the situation was far from ideal.
Although, my Husband admitted when his mother was told she had depression last year, that he didn’t understand it. He just say that what he feels down, he watches a movie and that is it. So I get that he doesn’t know how to handle me when I have problems. He also didn’t understand how I could feel lonely when I have my LO. He didn’t get that it is because I have very limited human interaction. It’s ok for him, he goes to work for over 24 hours. He talks to more people during that time, and then he freely goes to his parents or out with people.
We did have chat the night he got home. I opened up about how I was feeling and why I did what I did. We went onto to talk about what we are going to do to help me. Resulting in us sorting out the second car, so we both have access to transport. He did say that I could then go round to his parents or his grandmother if I wanted to talk to someone. Although, I had to explain how I felt about that. I feel that they are more his inner circle than my own.
My Self-Care Journal
I do find it hard to convey my thoughts and feelings to other people. If I am writing/typing, everything seems to come out better. Thus, I looked into self-care journals online and I spoke more about it in my previous post “Self-Care Journal“.
I’ve found this journal very helpful. I have been able to monitor my feelings from morning to evening, and it helps focus on the highlights of the day. I can see how often I feel positive, neutral, and negative. These past couple of days I admit to slacking a little when it comes to writing in it each day. But I am sure to write up the days I missed.
The journal is only for 2 months, which is a shame. But that means I can try out another when I am finished with it.
In conclusion, even though I feel lonely at times, I wonder if there are other ways I can keep everything in check. I have found recently, that keeping a “Mummy’s To Do List” on my small blackboard in the kitchen helps. Not only does it remind me to keep doing things, but the list makes everything seem more manageable.
If anyone knows of any books on how to deal with anxiety, or any journals that recommend, please leave a comment with links below.