January has turned out to be a rocky first month of 2023. There was a little setback, so things are not going well. It’s not the best start to the New Year, but fingers crossed things will only improve from here on.
If there is only thing that has kept going, it is my Bujo. I have been writing in it every day and for the past week or so, I have been working on February’s spreads. I feel so much more organised knowing that there is not much work that needs to be done in the next month, apart from writing in it, and then prepare March spreads towards the end of the month.
For this month, I have added a new spread where I can write my problems on my “Chaotic Thoughts” page. In contrast, I can write any creative ideas on the “Creative Inspiration” page. After things not going so well in January, I felt I needed to add more pages where I could write my thoughts and let things out a little more.
I was looking on Pinterest for inspiration, and I found these two were great inspiration pieces. Fish is not something I usually draw, so this was new for me. I am so glad my pages turned out well. The only problem I have now, is what can I do for March, which is Aries.
I don’t know if it was because of it is a new year, but I found that I have been snapping at my little one a lot recently. I know she is at that curious stage where she wants to follow mummy around and do what she does.
Yet for me, the most recent, dangerous activity is when I’m washing up. I am trying my best keeping her away from the cutlery. There have been 2 instances where I failed and she got hold of the fruit knife. I totally went into panic mode but I was quick enough to react that she didn’t do any damage to herself. A few days ago, I thought it would be best to give her a tiny sponge that stays in the sink. So when she does push our dinning chairs up to the island kitchen, she has something to entertain her while I am busy trying to wash the knifes, dry them, and put them away ASAP.
The biggest challenge for me is trying to be calm when dealing with my LO when she does something that I do not want her to do. My husband has told me not to shout at her. Though there are plenty of times when she isn’t listening to me, so I get frustrated and shout makes her react. I know this is bad in present times. Everyone is being a calm parent, and all of that. But I am still learning on what works best for my child. I want what is best for her. However, is calm parenting really the best option?
As a Millennial, I grew up with my parents disciplining me. I learnt the consequences of my actions. While I know that you shouldn’t hit/beat/strike a child, as it is child abuse. But when it comes to shouting, I still think the line is a little blur. If you are constantly shouting at your child, releasing all of your anger towards them, then yes, that is child abuse. In contrast, if you are trying to stop your child from doing something dangerous, wouldn’t shouting work to distract them doing it? If you are trying to get them to stop and they are not listening to you, then what other options do you have but shout?
I don’t know if my meaning is fully getting across…
Strict Vs Soft
I get the feeling that everyone these days are too soft. Children don’t really learn action and consequence, because they are too selfish to even notice if they did something wrong or hurt others. You see so many young children getting their own way, which they are allowed to do because they are brought up in a society where there are so many restrictions on what you can’t do to children or other people, that they are able to use the loop hole to their advantage.
While I say I am still learning when it comes parenting, I really mean it. There have been times when I have slipped up and done things I regret. No-one fully prepares you for having to learn with all of your emotions while having a toddler who is doing the same but x10. I have ordered a book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting from Amazon. It has yet to arrive, but I hope it will help with my shouting and give me more insight as to how I deal with my child.
While this is a big set back, things haven’t really gone well in other aspects of my life either.
Things are not going well at all. Putting aside that I would love to have another baby, my husband has no interest in it at all. He has been very busy with work and as soon as he gets home, he sleeps. He has very little energy to do anything. I mean anything. Since we moved, all of the chores are on my shoulders as the Stay-At-Home-Parent. Yet I have very little time out of the house. As I don’t have a car, there is no way for me to escape the house and all my responsibilities. Thus, I have no way to recharge. Getting little chances of time to myself is rare.
I’m finding it difficult to deal with my husband silent treatment when he is angry about something. We agreed when we started dating that we would sit down and talk things through before going to bed, so we would never go to sleep angry. Yet that has never happened. I have sat him down and tried to talk to him a few times. Yet my frustration and the feeling that he isn’t really understanding me, doesn’t help. I do find it hard to talk about my feels as I don’t know how to fully express it, but I try. My husband doesn’t.
The Set Back
I know I don’t help things all when I have been snapping but I feel like everything is building up and I am slowly exploding but with no proper outlet. I try my best to hide my emotions so I don’t confuse my little one. However, 3 days ago I hit breaking point. My husband was giving me silent treatment. He just got into bed, rolled on his side away from me and started to fall asleep. I felt so hurt, that I got out bed, and cried on the sofa.
The following morning after getting sleep, I tried to things out in my Bujo. I burst into tears and my LO stood there with her arms open ready to comfort me. I gave her the biggest hug and just cried. Yet in that moment, I didn’t know what else to do. I apologised to her later, and I told her that I am just finding things hard at the moment. She is only 23months old, so this is all just confusing to her.
I am not sure if this is just a Japanese thing. I know we have communication issues as there are of things going on. I want us to sit down regularly and talk about things. Yet with all this silent treatment and him being asleep most of the time he is home is making it all impossible.
As I last spoke about my goals in my previous post, Season Greetings Everyone, I have yet to focus on only 1 main goal for 2023, yet I have written 2 out of 3 goals which are; ‘dealing with my anger’ and ‘improving my artistic skills’.
I really want to be a better parent to my child and connect with her more each day. I want her to feel safe with expressing all of her emotions and learn how to deal with them. Maybe if she is seeing me show an array of emotions will help her understand herself better. Once I receive the book that I ordered, I hope that reading it will be useful.
In addition, I want to get back into working on my project and start sketching again. I do really enjoy making the layout for my Bujo spreads, but that isn’t my project work. However, recently, I did make a new digital painting, which took over a week for me to work on. It reminded me of how I am truly lacking in certain art skills. I want to improve my portrait skills or character design. So I think I might set it a goal to do a pencil sketch each week. Then I can choose one that I want to digital paint for my main content image. I hope this will help.
This past month has been a huge mental strain and hopefully a learning curve. I really do want to be better. To feel more in control of my emotions. To be the best mother that I can be for my daughter and maybe future child. There are so many things I struggle with but its just finding the support to deal with it all.
I will try to post more frequently next month, so be sure to check for new posts.